Whether you choose to write, podcast, vlog, or keep a private journal, expressing your thoughts is, without a doubt, a vulnerable yet brave quest. In fact, if I could have a superpower I would choose the power of mind reading! I’ve always thought how intimate someone’s thoughts are. Thoughts are so complex and private, could you possibly imagine stripping away those mental walls in order to better understand the people you love? It would be a, “What Women Want” shit show! lol
Unfortunately, human’s lack that capability, but it should not leave us handicapped. I grew up in a household where privacy was burned into my thoughts, and throughout my adolescence and early adult years it was all I knew. Completely normal, right? I also quickly learned that keeping everything in causes mental illness. Let that sink in for a second. There is a thin line between expressing yourself, getting things off your chest, and keeping a private life. Yes, it is possible to have all of those attributes.
I felt like a shaken soda bottle, that’s the simplest way to put it. Over the last 10 years I have experienced some of the toughest hardships that anyone could possibly encounter. From pregnancy loss, to almost homelessness, these experiences had shaken my soul and through it all I chose to keep it to myself. For a while, I had convinced myself that one, it was no one’s business, and second, it was no one’s business. I shut myself out, burned friendships, drank more than I should of, which spread negativity like cancer throughout all other corners of my life.
That was my turning point. My family was starting to feel my heat, and they were occasionally being burned in their attempts to communicate with me. One day, my oldest daughter expressed her concerns about my attitude. I guess you could say she is my ultimate rock, and weakness. No one had asked me in a long time, “hey are you okay?” but she did it calm and collected.
Nevaeh, “Everything ok?”
Me, “Why do you ask?”
“It just seems like something is wrong”
“I’m okay, don’t worry about me”
The last person to ask me that was my father. The simplest of questions stopped me in my tracks. It was not overnight, but the self-evaluation continued for months. Over the course of 7 months I battled myself mentally, while I tried to overcome my biggest obstacles, I pushed and convinced myself that all I have encountered should not go to waste. If I could inspire one person, make one person smile, or push one person to voice their thoughts I will consider my main goal already accomplished.
I started blogging because life is a short beautiful thing. I didn’t want to be silent anymore. Silence is found in the darkest parts of our hearts, and it has a way of growing like black mold. At the current age of 32 I have seen, felt, and witness first hand things that are meant to tear someone apart, yet I have pushed through and have put my pieces back together differently each time. What a waste, not to share those thoughts with you.
I still find it difficult to completely express my innermost fears, but writing and podcast is a bridge to mental sanity that I have built. I do hope to meet you at the end, or witness you building your own.
Here is to 2019! I’m so excited, and I hope you are too. Thank you Nevaeh, I love you.
Mrs Yvette Priscilla.